Thou wilt shew me the path of life:
in thy presence is fulness of joy;
at thy right hand there are pleasures
for evermore. Psalms 16:11


Sunday, September 25, 2022

I had the most devastating, heart-stopping, suicide-inducing, world-ending thought occur to me recently.

And it led me to a spiritual realization as well.

As background, I am almost always happy--pretty much non-stop smiling to be honest--because I have so many opportunities to make people happy, and because virtually my entire personality and satisfaction structure of my soul is based on making other people happy.

People who know how good of a photographer I am travel from all over the states, and sometimes even from across the world to have me bring the best pictures into existence for them with over 20 years since childhood of nationally first-place award-winning photography and excellence and experience and artistry almost beyond equal, being recognized and given millennium honors by Rand McNally, by the Chicago Tribune in the nationwide Gatorade gallery for POY, and countless other honors; coupled with the highest quality full-frame gear in the world, literally more than my house costs to pay for the equipment I use at each photoshoot, quality perhaps beyond compare.

Even more so, people who know how good of a tutor I am--with experience tutoring over 6,000 people, being rated higher than the 99th percentile of teaching quality in comparison to 25,000 other university teachers nationwide, with a Ph.D. in math, and even more knowledge in other areas besides math, from constantly learning, reading about 157 books every year, and more--are always wanting me to help them learn their math, computer programming, or others of their hardest subjects.

I am so happy, almost all the time, because I truly am able to make other people happy, which is essentially my one desire in life.

People want me to do this or that for them to make them happy.

And I love it.

I love making them SO happy because the love and happiness of making others happy makes me more happy than anything else I can imagine!

However, for about one minute each year, this devastating thought stabs into my mind like a sword and literally almost kills me.

"But does anybody care about ME?"

Everyone who wants me, whether someone from across the hallway or someone from the other side of the world, at least everyone who knows of my abilities, only seems to want me because they want what I have to offer them, and because they want me to do something excellently for THEM.

But would anyone, even one, ever be motivated to do something for me?

And I don't just mean something to make me feel good, or something to make me more likely to do something for them.

I mean something done truly for me and not for them at all.

I mean something done for me with no knowledge or expectation that I will do, or even that I could do, some of the best and highest quality things in the world in return.

And then, just as I was about to feel really depressed and really sorry for myself, because maybe nobody but my parents and God ever really loves me with real true love for no reason at all, I felt God speak to me...

Yes, God...

The ONLY one who REALLY does love me and all of us for no reason at all except REAL, awesome, perfect, true love, because love is who God is...

God led me to think of a simple question,

"But does anybody care about God?"

And I thought about it.

Do I ever really do anything for God?

Do I ever really love God?

Or do I just do "good things" so that God will do even better things to me?

Even this morning, in church, I heard the pastor say that we should be generous with our giving "so that God will bless us."

Is that really LOVE for God, though?

Since when have I or we or anyone ever truly LOVED God, not for something we could get from God, but only for God?

God is the ONLY one who really deserves our love!

Because God is the ONLY one who TRULY loves us for no reason, and even though there is NOTHING that God can get from us in return!

God's excellence is so far beyond my "excellence" that it makes my world-winning level of fantastic fame look like the worst failure of a goofy grasshopper that tries to eat the fake turf on a football field.

I realized now how foolish I was.

Just to love God, with nothing expected in return, is the most beautiful thing in all of the dimensions, in all of the universes, in all of all.

God loves me.

There is nothing else in comparison to that.

And when I grasp that, I can't think about me any more.

This beautiful love of God's.

When I see or even sense the surface of God's love, let alone the depths of it, my heart and soul and spirit have no more room to breathe.

I have only one response with all my emotions and to infinity and beyond.

I can only love God forever.

1 John 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.

  Joseph Myers

Love God

Proverbs 3:5John 14:1John 3:16

God, please help us to have faith no matter how small, and trust in you in our hearts. Help us believe in Jesus who died and paid for our sins so we can be forgiven if we ask you to forgive our sins in the name of Jesus. And thus enter our hearts and help us to grow in love for you.